


Summoning the Spiders

by NeoSolar



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Natasha Romanov, Black Widow - Freeform, Comedy, Natasha is Queen of the Trolls, Peter Makes Poor Life Choices, Peter Parker Panics, Spider Solidarity, Spider-Man - Freeform, Summoning the Spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 04:12:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17418872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoSolar/pseuds/NeoSolar
Summary: "Peter. We need to talk." Natasha’s calm voice continued, “Are you aware that your . . . unusual method of clearing up a hostage situation has gone viral on YouTube?"“Uhhhhhhhh . . . “ Nope. Nada. Nothing. That rang precisely zero bells.“Fine then, does this jog your memory any? ‘I’m summoning the spiders.’”Huh? Wait, why did that soun-oh. Oh,crap.Based on a shot in the comics where Spider-Man handles a hostage situation with a rather spectacular bluff. This is one idea about what could have happened afterwards, once word about it got out and nobody could decide whether or not Spider-Man has a ridiculous new super power or is just an idiot. The Black Widow is the only one who knows for sure, and she's going to enjoy calling our favorite spider-powered disaster on it while Peter is busy setting a new record for 'most panic attacks had in the course of a single conversation.'





	Summoning the Spiders

“Peter. We need to talk.”

The voice on the other end of the phone was cool, collected, and despite sounding completely innocuous and even borderline bored, was one of the most terrifying things he’d ever heard.

SHIT. Peter was panicking. Like, _super_ panicking. What the HELL could he have possibly done to cause the _Black Widow_ to bother tracking down his home phone number to talk to him personally?! Was he gonna die? Who was he kidding, this was the Black Widow. He was _totally_ gonna die. This was the worst day ever.

“Y-yes, ma’am?” he managed to choke out. Nice going Parker; real smooth starting out what’ll probably be your last-ever conversation with that incredibly manly squeak. Peter was barely holding back the urge to start banging his head against a wall repeatedly as he awaited his doom.

Natasha’s calm voice continued, “Are you aware that your . . . unusual method of clearing up a hostage situation has gone viral on YouTube?”

“Uhhhhhhhh . . . “

Nope. Nada. Nothing. That rang precisely zero bells. Peter was pretty sure he’d already passed the point of being terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought, or at the very least any that could possibly be even remotely useful. Or maybe it was that third concussion earlier; it'd been a long day.

“Do you even know which one I’m talking about?” Did she sound amused or annoyed? He couldn’t tell. Wait, what was she even asking? His brain was still too paralyzed with fear to respond. CRAP. Excuse, _excuse_ , _EXCUSE_ –

“It’s kinda been a busy couple of weeks.”

WEAK. Ugh. Yep, he was totally gonna start banging his useless head against that nice, solid-looking brick wall as soon as this conversation was over. Well, provided he lived that long, of course.

He could hear her raising a delicate eyebrow even from over the phone.

“Fine then, does this jog your memory any? ‘I’m summoning the spiders.’”

Huh? Wait, why did that soun-oh. Oh, _crap_. Peter now knew with a sudden, perfect clarity exactly what event Natasha was referring to, and likely her reason for going out of her way to talk to him about it. Some two-bit henchman looking to get away had taken a woman hostage in the middle of a crowded area, leaving him with very few options to work with. And what had seemed to be a great, if desperate, and even brilliantly hilarious idea at the time had, after approximately 10 seconds of reflection on his part later, turned out to have probably been one of his dumber moments of heroism. And, considering the rather lengthy list of incredibly stupid things he’d managed during his career as Spider-Man, that was saying something.

Aaaaand now the Black Widow had heard about it. Great. And what was it she’d said about it going viral?! Oh, _god_.

Peter suddenly realized that if the Black Widow actually _was_ planning on killing him, that it could now be classified as a mercy killing.

“Ohmygod, I can explain, I swear! I know that was a stupid thing to do; no, like a REALLY stupid thing to do, and it totally could have gotten someone seriously hurt but it just seemed so perfect at the time and I really couldn’t think of anything else and I had to do _something_ , and-“

“Peter.”

Gulp.

“Breathe.”

Inhale.

Wait for the axe to drop . . .

“Calm down; I’m not mad.” Wait, what? “I actually wanted to see if you knew about it because of the rather lengthy debate it’s sparked, not only amongst the general public but the Super community as well.” Wait, did she sound somewhat amused? Did this mean he was gonna live after all? Great, right when he’d really been counting on not. Figures.

“Huh?” Brilliant, Parker, brilliant response. Where the hell were all of his usual witty retorts and clever one-liners when he needed them? Ugh. He was totally grounding his pathetic excuse for a brain into paste via wall the second this phone call was over.

“There’s been a great deal of debate and speculation as to whether or not Spider-Man’s skill-set actually _does_ include the power of being able to summon, and/or communicate with, let alone control or command spiders.” Peter let that soak in for a moment before the complete absurdity of her statement finally broke through his haze of confusion.

“. . . You’re kidding me, right? They, they have to know how stupid that sounds, don’t they? _Don’t they?!"_ Oh god. It was one thing to convince some dumb crook that he was the 'leader of the spiders' or some such nonsense and that he could summon an army of them to do his bidding just by crouching down in full costume and essentially going ‘because I’m Spider-Man, boo!,’ but other heroes? Seriously?! Some of these guys were actual geniuses. What the hell?!

“Natasha, you guys know me. You’ve seen me in action, heard me list off all of my powers before - like multiple times even - and that has literally never come up. Not once. And why on Earth would they even think I was being serious?! There wasn’t even a single spider that showed up in that video! . . . Besides me,” he added with an eye roll.

“Peter, an armed, desperate man with a hostage willingly surrendered himself to you immediately upon hearing you deliver that threat – and he not only signaled his compliance at once, loudly, but then threw both his _weapon_ and the _hostage_ as far away from himself as possible. That adds an impressive amount of credibility to your threat not having been an idle one. As for your other point, the argument is being made that either he gave up before you’d had sufficient time to contact the spiders, or that you were being considerate enough to issue a warning before actively attempting to summon their aid.”

“What, really?!" Huh. “Well, I guess that sorta makes sense for the public, but what about you guys? I mean, we both know that _you_ know full well that that’s bullshit,” he deadpanned. This was starting to get ridiculous. How could fooling one bad guy make his fellow, er, coworkers(?), think this was anything other than him bluffing his way out of trouble with another one of his boneheaded ‘brilliant’ ideas?

“True. _I_ do,” she replied, and he could positively _hear_ her smirking. Uh-oh. The joke was about to be on somebody, and he just prayed it wasn’t him. “But the other Supers seem to be undecided as to whether or not even you would be stupid enough to make up something that ridiculous on the spot, or if you’ve just been holding out on them – that this is some sort of trump card you try to keep quiet in case of emergency.”

Wait, seriously? They thought that he’d thought far enough ahead to keep something back for a rainy day? Honestly, it was like they didn’t even know him. Also, huh, that would've been useful to have thought of sooner. Okay, note to self: next time you develop super-powers, keep at least one quiet juuuuust in case.

“. . . I don’t know whether to be embarrassed, impressed, or insulted.”

“All of the above,” was the immediate reply. Gee, thanks. He allowed himself one small smack of his head against the wall. Oy.

“Okaaay then, so other than to gloat that you’re the only one who knows what’s going on, as usual, and rub my face in the mess my most recent Epic Public Fail has caused, why did you call exactly?” Just what was the catch here? She really could’ve just waited until their next mission to tease him, and she didn’t sound mad, so . . . ?

“Peter, I don’t think you quite appreciate what you’ve started here. I’ve spent half the morning fielding questions from people who assume I know everything about whether or not you have this power, if I have it too since I’m also a spider-themed hero, if I’m the one responsible for _teaching_ it to you in the first place . . .” she trailed off, leaving him concerned. Crap, his first assumption was right; he’d accidentally managed to both bother and annoy the Black Widow, he was gonna die after all.

“Oh, _oh!_ Crap! Oh man, I am _so_ sorry Natasha, I seriously didn’t mean for this to be a problem for _you_ ; I’ll start calling and explaining to anybody who’s been bugging you right away if-“

“Peter.”

Aaand there it was again. How the hell did she manage to grind his chatter to a dead stop with only two syllables? He could name dozens of villains who would probably pay literally anything for that particular ability.

“Again, I don’t think you appreciate what you’ve started here. And yes, before you start apologizing again that it was purely by accident, I know. Still, what you have to understand is that you've just managed to get the greater part of the super-powered community either outright convinced or at least willing to entertain the possibility that you, and quite possibly myself by extension, are in possession of a secret superpower that _scares the ever-loving hell out of damn near all of them._ Just let that, and the possibilities of continuing to allow that particular assumption to stand, sink in for a moment.”

Wait, was she saying – no, she couldn’t possibly be thinking that – wait, no, of course she was. Of _course_. Because besides being a master of the art of working any situation to her advantage and one of the scariest women on the planet, Natasha Romanov was also one of its Greatest Living Trolls.

“ _Oh_ ,” he managed to breathe as the light bulb finally went off over his head. This, this was . . . this was _brilliant_. “Oh my gosh, ohmygosh, this is the greatest thing to ever happen. Holy shit. _Holy shit!_ Okay, wow - um, so, wait, so what do we do now?!” How could they possibly keep this up?!

“Easy: nothing. That’s the beauty of this situation; you’ve already managed the hard part, the convincing. Now all you have to do is just keep your mouth shut.”

Wellp, they were screwed.

“Uh, Natasha, what exactly in your history of interacting with me ever makes you think I’m even remotely capable of that?”

Her response was quick, to the point, and ice cold. “Your desire to continue breathing.”

Which, ya know, really was pretty damn inspiring. He knew she was good, but, wow. Nicely done. "Um, okay, yeah, so maybe some help with that then?! I'm just supposed to, what? Stand there like a bump on a log and just not say anything when somebody inevitably asks _me_ about this?!" There was literally no way that would ever work; he'd break and open his trap to insert his foot directly into it in, like, four seconds. Tops.

"Absolutely not. You don't do silence, Parker." Yeah, no shit. "So, you deny." Wait, what? " _Unconvincingly_. You keep the truth quiet by telling it in a way that no one would buy - so do the same frantic word-vomit gesture-windmill avoidance thing you do any time you're panicked or cornered on something. Just laugh awkwardly and say, 'Nooo, of _course_ I don't have powers like that! Pshaw. What makes you think that? Hey will ya look at the time, I-gotta-go-bye.' And then you _scram_ , and they believe the exact opposite of everything you just said."

Huh. That was . . . _perfect_. He could actually do that! And what's more, his awkwardness could finally come in _useful_ for a change! Who knew? "Whoa, that, that just might work!"

"Of course it will, who do you think you're talking to?"

"Oh, right, of course - um, sorry!" he winced.

"Mmm. I'll forgive you this once, but only if you'll do one more little favor for me."

Wait, favor? Her wanting him to try and act convincingly was bad enough, now what?! "Um, what else can I do for you, ma'am?" Gulp.

"Good boy. Now, I need to know whether or not it would be possible, were you to have access to, say, Stark's lab for example, to whip up a bunch of mini spider-bots? And possibly a few larger ones too if you have time. And they would, of course, need to be able to be run through some sort of telepathic device or AI and look quite real."

 _Ah_. "Natasha?"

"Yes, Peter?"

"This is hands-down the best thing I've heard ever and the answer is can I crash Mr. Stark's lab and get to work immediately?!" Peter had to work very, very hard not to explode from excitement on the spot. That date with the wall would have to wait; this was going to be _amazing_.

"Good answer." He could hear her grinning again. She was totally gonna let him live, help her prank other superheroes, _and_ allow him to go nuts in Tony Stark's lab. 

Best. Day. EVER.

**Author's Note:**

> 10 points to anybody who caught the Ghostbusters quote.
> 
> The original idea that prompted this, Spider-Man breaking up a hostage situation by scaring the bad guy by claiming he'd "summon the spiders" if the guy didn't give up, apparently comes from Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #57 (according to Reddit and a Google search anyway). In his shoes, I absolutely would've given up too, but I still love the fact that Parker not only _had_ such a ridiculous idea, but that he then freakin' ran with it _during a fight_ and _somehow pulled it off_. Only Spidey, right? XD
> 
> Anyway, having never read more of that particular comic than that single page I'm sure this probably isn't how that version of Spider-Man would've handled things/reacted to the Black Widow, so we'll just pretend that that same event played out in multiple Spider-verses. (Also that movie was _incredible_ and if you haven't seen it go immediately).


End file.
